Because I can't make up my mind...

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10 Ways to Kill Tom Sawyer

Morbid, I know, but I don't like the kid. He has his own story and can't stay in it. He has to jump into Huck Finn's story to do his best to ruin it. Everything Huck learns, everything he becomes all goes to Hell thanks to Tom Sawyer. So, in the spirit of literary genius, let's kill him.

Disclaimer: I am not angry, unstable, or suggesting anything by writing this. Tom Sawyer is a fictional character in a fictional story with a (soon to be) fictional death. I love people. Tom Sawyer doesn't qualify, so here we go.

1. Huck finally escapes from Pap. In killing the pig to create a murder scene, Huck doesn't realize that Tom is really hiding inside of the pig. Tom had come to save Huck (yeah right), but Huck uses the pig's blood to make it look like Huck himself was killed. Sorry Tom.

2. When Huck first runs away in the first part of the novel, the townspeople ride a ferry across the rive shooting a cannon. The superstition is that the shock waves will cause the body (if there was one) to float to the surface. Unfortunately, the cannon was aimed a bit low and blasted Tom's head off.

3. Tom eats the paint used for white washing. It's from China and has lead in it. He rots from the inside out.

4. When Tom sees Huck again for the first time after Huck's "death", he faints from shock and dies shortly thereafter.

5. The mob rides the Duke and the Dauphin out of town on a rail. They don't see Tom in the middle of the road and trample him.

6. When Huck and Tom are running away with Jim, Tom gets shot--not in the leg though. This time it's fatal.

7. Jim is so hopping mad that Tom new he was free all through the escaping process that Jim wrings Tom's neck.

8. Tom smokes too much and dies of lung cancer.

9. Tom gets shot again. He's not dead yet so the slave hunters had to get him again.

10. Just as Tom is climbing out of the window at Aunt Sally's, lightning strikes the rod used as an escape ladder. Tom is blasted several hundred feet. He survives this but then every character he ever wronged in the two stories demands that he right his wrongs. He gets struck by lightning again. By now his hair is missing and his toe nails are completely removed. He decides to listen to some music on a first generation ipod. It turns out they weren't invented yet and it was Huck's big joke. Tom doesn't understand being the butt of a joke so he keels over dead as a final bolt of lightning finishes him off.

Again, this is written in the spirit of Mark Twain. Don't worry about Tom, he'll be fine. He always is.

Baby Time

I can finally write about this. I'm going to be a dad...if all goes well. Sometimes we wonder if I'm more excited than Sarah is. Either way it's another adventure. This one will hopefully last awhile!!

I love apples

Previously, I posted my thoughts regarding teacher crap with apples on it. I might have gone as far as to say that I hated apples. Well, a student gave me two bags of apples as a gift. And it turned out okay.

I sat in front of a movie yesterday skinning and chopping all of the apples for homemade applesauce. I've never made it before. The recipe is simple (this is for a large Crockpot):

1. Peel and core apples
2. Slice them into thin slices
3. When the Crockpot is half full, sprinkle a teaspoon of cinnamon across the top.
4. Finish peeling, coring, and slicing.
5. When the Crockpot is completely full, sprinkle another teaspoon of cinnamon over the top.
6. Dump in a cup of honey
7. Dump in a 1/2 cup of water
8. Cook on low for the night

I grew up watching Monday Night Football with my dad. In the colder months, he would sit and make applesauce. I don't remember him making it at any other time. It's possible, but I only remember the football games. Like I said before, this was my first time trying to make applesauce. It smells good. But I don't know if I did it right. It tastes all right (or so says mom on the way to the airport at 4:30 this morning), and it's kind of hard to mess up Crockpot recipes. So who cares? I cooked something.

But more importantly, it's a fun memory of my dad on another Christmas without him. My life has been quite a bit like Crockpot applesauce, not knowing what I'm doing at times but trying my hardest to follow my dad's recipe. Sometimes it feels like I'm wandering through this life, shooting goals and hopes and dreams into a dreary, foggy landscape. It would be nice to at least ask my dad which way to aim. But it's not in the bag of apples I've been given. And it doesn't matter whether or not I like it. It just is.

I look forward to breakfast this morning, fresh dutch babies and hot applesauce. It will turn out alright, Christmas, applesauce, and life...thanks to God's provisions. So here's to memories, gifts, and traditions. Merry Christmas everybody.

Christmas Cheer

I hate Christmas shopping. There's really nothing good about it. I have to spend money I don't have to buy things people don't need from a store who's employees don't care.

No wonder my mother-in-law scrooged me. (You know the I've been elfed thing? Yeah...not me)

And as a teacher, why shouldn't I be scroogey? For what ever reasons, teachers are seen as these great public servants making great sacrifices for our future; that is until one's child isn't an A student or receives a zero on an assignment or makes a simple mistake entering grades into the computer, and then the teacher becomes some lower-class filth not worthy of respect. Irony at its greatest. Bah humbug.

Get over yourself Jacobson. I realized last night that school is out, so I shouldn't (and in all truth, don't) care about conflicts happening regarding my classroom. It's not about what I spend or what I buy. The fact is, my wife feels valued and loved when she knows that I'm going out of my way to buy something special for her (with a cheerful attitude I might add). I praised God when I was in and out of the store in less than an hour on a Saturday afternoon before Christmas. And now, I'm actually excited for Christmas. I don't care what I'm getting, it's probably coal anyways.

And I think that's what people miss out on--I know I have for the past couple of years. I've been so busy that I stumble on Christmas in a haze. And amidst all the busy-ness, I've lost out on the idea of gifts. God gave us his son as a gift. Christ gives his grace. The holy spirit grants spiritual gifts. I don't want to offer church cheese balls here, but there's something to be said about celebrating the giving of gifts.

God has given me a beautiful wife and a loving family, a warm house, a sweet-up dog, a fulfilling job, a spot in grad school, a heart for people and relationships, a love of literature and examining the human experience, and countless other things. But most importantly, He has given us incredible friendships that draw us closer to him.

And I haven't even opened presents yet. How cool is that?

Last Teacher Comic Standing

Here's the video of the Last Teacher Comic Standing at D'Evelyn's 2007 homecoming. I hope you enjoy it. The students did--I won. Thanks to Eric Berlinberg for the film work, editing, and production.

Freedom Writers: Saving the World at What Cost?

I love vacations from school. Not because I hate school, but I like change. Vacation is change, rest, and time to watch movies. So this past weekend Sarah and I watched Freedom Writers, a movie starring Hillary Swank as a High School English Teacher in LA shortly after the Rodney King incident. The acting wasn't so hot, but the story was inspiring...at least a little. The movie is based off of a true story, and it was heart breaking hearing kids talk about their parents getting beat up, neighbors shot, and friends killed. As Swank's character gets more and more wrapped up in her new teaching career, her husband grows more and more distant. Eventually he leaves her and they divorce. That's how her personal life is resolved.

My wife and I spent a good amount of time talking about the divorce bit. Teaching is taxing on a family. I love going to see students perform. Whether its sports, stage, or music I like to invest in students outside of the classroom. They come (some trudge, grumble, and even fart) to my class everyday. The least I can do is go to some events. But it takes coordinating. Our schedule is busy enough without throwing in High School activities, but it's an important element of teaching. Sarah and I have had to work through this. She's learning that attending some of these function can be fun, and I'm learning to tell my students (from time to time) that I'm not going to such and such a function because I'm spending time with my wife. As much as kids need teacher support at events, I think they also need to hear from me that my family is a priority. To say the least, it's like juggling firecrackers.

And this is where the movie went wrong. The husband (I forget the actor's name--Patrick Dempsey maybe???, but Sarah thinks he's dreamy--gag) never clearly communicated his needs. Swank was oblivious to her re-prioritized life, clueless to the fact that every new job she picked up further alienated her husband. It came to the point where she was telling her hubby (non-verbally) that her students, who had nothing, were more important than him. What a tough line to draw. I know because I've done the same thing.

Fortunately, I married a fantastic woman that's willing to tough it out and communicate, because regardless of how effective I am as a teacher, there's always graduation and moving on. When my students get into the real world, they may or may not ever think of me again, much less maintain any form of communication. I have to be okay with that. But where would I be without my wife when that time comes? Sure more students come along, but then there's a vicious cycle of never really getting anywhere or never developing deeper-level relationships. And that's a shame. Thanks Hollywood for giving us the story of an inspiring teacher. I hope to do better.